Why do I sometimes feel like this?! (Thanks for the pic. Ashley H. Great post by the way!) I've been thinking about writing this post for some time now, feeling a little unsure about it because it's something I know I shouldn't struggle with, but I do.
I'm positive that all women struggle with their body image at some point in their life and I'm no exception to that. Growing up I don't ever remember my mom not going through some kind of a diet or trying to lose weight and I know that my dad would sometimes complain about how heavy she was. It was mean of him, I must say, and it really hurt her and her self worth. She never has felt attractive or small enough though my mom is the smallest of all her sisters and in better shape then most of her brothers. Obesity runs in her family and it's a huge issue that is plaguing our whole society. I swore as a young girl that I would never be fat and thus far, I've stuck with that. When my Dad passed away he weighed less at 42 then he did his senior year in High school and his family are all pretty thin so maybe I have his genes :o) Besides having babies, I've never had a lot of weight to lose and even then it was only around 15 lbs. which for me was a lot and I felt so unattractive and huge. I've been working out at least five days a week now for about eight months and I am in better shape then I have ever been in my entire life. I love working out now and I love the burn and the sore muscles as a result and I hate to miss a day. It's taken me a while to get here though. I used to think I needed a gym membership and a personal trainer to work out and reach my fitness goals, but now I know that all I need is a good workout program, some free weights, a support system and determination to get through those first few months.
I have been thinner before, but that was during a rough time for me and I wasn't eating anywhere near enough to support my activity level. I was 17 and hating life and how I looked and who I was. I weighed 115 pounds at 5'8 inches tall. I competed in Miss Mini-Cassia that year and obsessed about looking good in a swimsuit and I though that I was almost there. Months later I looked back at pictures of me in that swimming suit and I looked 2 pounds away from anorexic. My hip bones poked out like nothing else and I still felt I wasn't thin enough. There's this unrealistic image that the media has portrayed that tells women how we should look and "if we can just lose those last twenty pounds, we'll have it all—the perfect marriage, loving children, great sex, and a rewarding career." (read full article here. Great article.)
I just stepped outside to get the mail and there was a VS catalog. No wonder I have issues! I regularly have to remind myself that most, if not all, of those photographs have been digitally altered in some way. They've been given a few extra inches to the length of their torso, their facial features have been "perfected," their thighs and butts have been trimmed, their breasts have been enhanced, and they have a team of makeup artists and hair stylists at their disposal. How am I supposed to compete with that?! That's just it... I'm not!
I will say that I know that I look pretty good and I'm not trying to be conceited, but I'm still not where I want to be. I have yet to take control of my food intake and I plan to do just that. I'm going to wean Kaylee soon (she'll be a year on April 28th) and then give it two months of good effort with eating healthy and getting a very balanced diet. I'm going to cut out white flour and refined sugar (except on weekends :) and see where it takes me. It's been exciting to see my body change and to look pretty good in a size 5 or 2 or '26... depending on the brand, which is a whole other complaint that I have! I've battled in my head wondering if I'm taking things too far, but I will say I'm eating more than I think I ever have. I'm always hungry and I'm not one to ignore my hunger pains so it's not like I've gone crazy with anorexia, diet pills or laxatives so I really feel good about where I'm taking this and I'm excited to see where I can go. We're planning a trip to Hawaii for our 5th wedding anniversary in Sep. and it's been great motivation. I told my husband he should take me somewhere swimsuit related after every baby :)
I've been debating about posting pics. of my progress but I'm not sure I'm quite ready yet. I'll do it in June, maybe the first of July depending on when Kaylee's done nursing :) Thanks so much to those of you who have been supportive of my efforts thus far and for all the encouragement. It's helped me get my butt out of bed in the morning and get through some of those tough days.
To those of you on the road to better health and a smaller jean size... Keep it up and be strong!
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